Good intentions, sure, I certainly have them. It is easy to have the idealistic vision of documenting the changes in my life in Chicago for everyone in the world to read and learn about. But then I am struck with the daunting task of work, and school, and friends, and a relationship, and did I mention sleep, working out, eating right, paying bills... The list could go on. It often fills my mind. There are so many things that I would love to do on top of it all. I would love to be able to actually start my dreams of podcasting and blogging, and being an artistic-journalist-audiophile-poet.
Unfortunately when the day is done, and I have a few free moments to write, record, learn to draw—anything really, it typically is much easier to take a nap, chill out, watch a video on YouTube, or anything that doesn't evolve a mental commitment. That can be discouraging at times. Why can't I just do everything that I want to do at once? Shouldn't I be able to learn, work, and create all at the same time? There has got to be some sort of magic time management system that could make that possible, right?
Ah, but there is revealed my idol of accomplishment.
The pull of pride to be the best at everything, and well loved by everyone. How I would love the accolades of my peers of a well recorded demo, a job well done from my boss, and a zero balance on my school bill. The reality is that I am not the one who is supposed to do everything. I am not supposed to be made much of. I am called to be humble so that God would be exalted.
But the hunger remains. I feel as though I am chomping at the bit to be in a place where I can just combine it all. Where my constant reality is going to be that I get paid to be creative, and to ignite all of my creative passions. I want to constantly be leaning and growing and becoming better at my craft. This hunger is not a bad thing either.
We all need to dream a little bigger—to strive for the impossible.
And you know, God might not have me be the things that I want to be. I am certainly growing where I am right now. I have opportunities to work and create right now, and even though it can feel like something else, it really is what I want to do. Perspective shows that I have been given an amazing chance to better myself. The best part is that God is not going to let me think that I was the one doing the shaping.
Junior year has been a bear. One of the hardest and most frustrating. I have been tested and cried many nights. I have asked God why I'm not living the dream. It has hurt, and it was awful a lot of the time. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Because through it all I haven't lost the dreams and desires that God has placed in my heart. If anything they have gotten more fantastic and impossible. He is going to take me and use me as He desires. Things will be cut away and others will be shaped to perfection, and this man of dust will be molded into the image of the One who created Him.
