Abstract

Over spring tour this year I was asked to share my testimony for one of our concerts. I wanted to share about what God had been teaching me and showing me the past year, but couldn't think of a better way to share than in a poem. It was written on the thirteenth of March 2014. I have typed it up for you to read and dwell on.

Abstract

Is your god an abstraction? A taste of divine?

Not cut out of marble, but wrought of the mind.

Perhaps we would balk, and firmly decline,

The accusation that we’ve formed him into our image.

But, I must resign myself to the claim,

That I end each prayer in Jesus’ name,

Yet don’t believe what He really said.

At least, not really. Not outside of my head.

Righteousness, grace, salvation, and hope

All words I have turned into concepts.

Wrapped in neat bows, handed over by the one

Who earned them? Or, could it be,

That He is them.

The body and blood that we take—the same

As the one who walked that forlorn path.

Could incarnation be saving?

But no, I shut my mind to the notion.

A careful observation clearly shows that one must

Live to die—so that’s it. That’s it?

Christ’s conception, God-man Himself is of no consolation?

What if Christ lived to redeem? Became us—exactly.

Sinful yearnings, yet always pure,

Man of sorrows—acquainted with every grief.

Could Jesus really know my twisted desires?

Could He really, really mean we are united to

One like us?

We are not given goodness in a box.

Jesus does not point to salvation

He is our Salvation, Resurrection, Bread. Of. Life.

Our relationship to God is not about now He thinks of us,

Now, we are united.

To God Himself.

It is not “as if” we are part of His body.

Our flesh intermingles—everything rides on that.

And oh! What joy it brings.

No longer mustering up righteous deeds.

Way to the Father—“Come to me.”

Truth Everlasting—“From sin set free.”

Life in me—“Never again be thirsty”

Freedom, sweet freedom. Law cannot bind.

Savior, my Jesus, forever are mine.

Baptized with Him, put to death in him,

Given new life in Him, Not I who live—but Christ!

Christ beneath and before. On my right and left.

My God is not abstract.

He entered into my matter-covered reality

So I could enter into Him.

Gone are my chains of working harder, being “better.”

Jesus is mine. I am in Him as He is in

The Father. Not hiding behind the cross.

Not unknown—known in flesh, and blood, and bone.

Realer than I could ever imagine.

Wet Clay

Good intentions, sure, I certainly have them. It is easy to have the idealistic vision of documenting the changes in my life in Chicago for everyone in the world to read and learn about. But then I am struck with the daunting task of work, and school, and friends, and a relationship, and did I mention sleep, working out, eating right, paying bills... The list could go on. It often fills my mind. There are so many things that I would love to do on top of it all. I would love to be able to actually start my dreams of podcasting and blogging, and being an artistic-journalist-audiophile-poet.

Unfortunately when the day is done, and I have a few free moments to write, record, learn to draw—anything really, it typically is much easier to take a nap, chill out, watch a video on YouTube, or anything that doesn't evolve a  mental commitment. That can be discouraging at times. Why can't I just do everything that I want to do at once? Shouldn't I be able to learn, work, and create all at the same time? There has got to be some sort of magic time management system that could make that possible, right?

Ah, but there is revealed my idol of accomplishment. 

The pull of pride to be the best at everything, and well loved by everyone. How I would love the accolades of my peers of a well recorded demo, a job well done from my boss, and a zero balance on my school bill. The reality is that I am not the one who is supposed to do everything. I am not supposed to be made much of. I am called to be humble so that God would be exalted. 

But the hunger remains. I feel as though I am chomping at the bit to be in a place where I can just combine it all. Where my constant reality is going to be that I get paid to be creative, and to ignite all of my creative passions. I want to constantly be leaning and growing and becoming better at my craft. This hunger is not a bad thing either. 

We all need to dream a little bigger—to strive for the impossible. 

And you know, God might not have me be the things that I want to be. I am certainly growing where I am right now. I have opportunities to work and create right now, and even though it can feel like something else, it really is what I want to do. Perspective shows that I have been given an amazing chance to better myself. The best part is that God is not going to let me think that I was the one doing the shaping. 

Junior year has been a bear. One of the hardest and most frustrating. I have been tested and cried many nights. I have asked God why I'm not living the dream. It has hurt, and it was awful a lot of the time. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Because through it all I haven't lost the dreams and desires that God has placed in my heart. If anything they have gotten more fantastic and impossible. He is going to take me and use me as He desires. Things will be cut away and others will be shaped to perfection, and this man of dust will be molded into the image of the One who created Him.

Here I Come, Once Again

There was a time when I ambitiously thought that I would be consistent about my writing here. It is not surprising really that this endeavor has more or less dropped off of the map. Does this reflect some inner reality that I am truly not good at seeing anything through? Going that direction, it would be easy to conclude that I am some sort of failure on some terms. The last time that anything was written on this somewhat introspective blog was January. That was almost a year ago now. And while it would be all fine and good to wax poetic about all of the changes that have happened, and the moments that are gone, I would much prefer to dwell on what is here and now. I want to focus on the tangible. 

Understanding comes over time. Lots, and lots, and lots of time. It is what makes a lot of living more exciting and real. If we always knew the answer to every moment that breaks against the shore of experience, we would be cursed to the dull motions of monotony. But I didn't come back here in order to point out the obvious. Rather, I want to quietly make my mark. 

That is the reason for this space, isn't it? I write so that I will be able to be heard, and understood, and loved. I am terrified of being inadequate, and I hate the idea of fading into obscurity. And there is something fundamentally wrong with that. The fact of the matter is, my searing individualism misses the point that the truths of the Kingdom of Heaven are totally paradoxical to the ideas I have fit into my skull. We are called to be less, so that Christ would be elevated. It is a subtle irony that I am still writing this with the intent of allowing others to read. Stick with me. I am bringing this one home. 

As I discover who I am as the creative individual that God has created me to be, I find that as a bearer of the divine image, I feel wonderfully inadequate. As a matter of fact, that is exactly what I am. I am totally unworthy of having the Ruler of the universe not only model me after Himself, but then give me the new Spirit of Himself in me. I have been changed from someone unworthy, to someone who is wholly other; it is just another example of God's divine paradox. 

Therefore, I write, because I want to be heard, and I want to be known. The beautiful thing is that I have been, and will continue to be, by my Lord and Savior. And although time runs away from me, and I forget that this space even exists, I will always reflect these musings back to the Spring of Knowledge and Creativity. 

Big City Living

It’s been a while. 

Through the times of business of the first semester of living in a new city with new faces I have been spending a lot of time learning many new things. I have learned that you need to not walk outside with a t-shirt and shorts in the middle of winter and expect to be warm. I have learned to walk and talk in a way that won’t get me mugged after the golden sun has set over the cityscape. In all of that time I have had thoughts that never made it here. I never was able to make the time to say something witty and interesting because I was so busy living. 

Fortunately I am now actually doing things at college that will be conducive to allowing me to spend time building my skills at communicating. I am hoping that it means that this blog that I started back at the end of my high school career will actually get some justice done to it. I love being able to delve deep into the things that I wonder and think about. I hope to be able to think in words on a page. I guess I still don’t know what this blog is exactly about. It is a collection of thoughts about where I am right now. And what that is can be uncertain at times, but I know that no matter where I am, I will always be within the plan of God. I wait, and I trust. And hopefully I will write a little bit more. 

Fishing

Tonight, tonight I want to go fishing. I have a longing in my heart for something more. Something more real than the reality that surrounds me and binds me to the mundane. I am restlessly searching for a home, a place to be settled, to be content. I am not. I am a wanderer, a stranger in a strange world. In this world in which I live I often make many mistakes and have many shortcomings. I long for my home in Heaven.

As I said before, I want to go fishing. I want to sit down in a boat and be calm and happy and content and I want to be with my Father.

I long for the moments in glory that I will share with my best Friend, my Master, my Maker, my Lord, my King, my Everything. I feel that as I am wondering around in this world. I am not a citizen of it, but rather I am between the state I was in, between the fallen brokenness that permeates and controls the world, and the future realization of the joys of living in perfect relationship with God.

God is very much a part of my life right now.

And yet…

I miss Him.

I miss God like I miss a lot of people right now. I am able to talk to God whenever I feel like, I am able to ask Him questions, and I am able to receive all kinds of things from Him, from advice, to gifts. I am able to see all of the things that He is doing, and I am able to feel the effects of His working in my life to move me towards my future. I still have a very close and meaningful relationship with Him, and I am still learning so much about Him. It is just like my friends whom I am able to connect with because of the amazing wonders of the internet. However, with those people, and with my Eternal Father, I long for the day when we are united together. I long for the beauty of the new earth spent with Jesus. I can’t wait to be held by the Father, and just be fully completed. I cant wait to sit in quite and just know that all is the way it should be. All is complete.

I sit and dwell on this and then I remember. I remember that my analogy is flawed. For even though people will be separated by oceans and mountains, nothing will separate us from the love of Jesus Christ. Nothing will ever be able to make God far away from us. The Holy Spirit dwells with us, in us, and shows us the love of the Father. In Him we have no want, we have no unmet need. I am able to go to the throne room of God and ask for what I desire. My relationship with God is such a blessing and such a joy. I am learning so much as I spend my summer in a land of music. Different than the island I came from, and different from the city I will go to. The blessings of God are matchless and amazing. And though times may make this time here droll, I know that there is meaning and purpose in it all. I know that the Father has great plans for my every move. I live with the assurance of future grace, of knowing that God will provide for my every need.

Still, there is a little part of me that looks forward to fishing with my Daddy. 

Long Time Coming

I am well aware that I have done a poor job of updating here, and the majority of it is due to the very reason that I chose to start this blog. My life is in motion, constantly changing, morphing, and moving forward. God promised that in the one that He started a good work in, it will be accomplished (Phil 1:6). I am currently in the state of God working in and on me. I realize that I will be growing for the rest of my life. Right now however is a sort of mile marker, a blip on the timeline of my life, and a meaningless flash in the grand scope of the story of God.

For anyone that was not already keyed into the happenings of my life, I am currently residing in Nashville TN. Certainly a difference from the island shores of the Philippines, or the windy streets of my destination of the year, Chicago. I am currently being taught many, many things from the Lord. I am realizing the meaning of what it says in Col 3:22-24. It is my goal to life according to what God would have for me, and a large part of my life right now is taken by the adult concept: Work.

Yes, I now have a job, and am a working man. By no means have I entered into full-fledged adulthood. I still have the benefit of living under the roof of family, and have a good deal of my needs provided for. However I am learning a lot about what it means to work hard, and do so with a spirit of service and joy. God is teaching me to be a harder worker and not a slacker. He is teaching me to look for ways to do my job better. I realize that in a lot of ways I come short on what must be done, I realize that I fail.

In a lot of ways that is what is so amazing an intriguing about God (well one of the ways that is currently bouncing around in this red head of mine). God does not work with imperfection. He cannot have any of it in His sight for He is the epitome of what is perfection, anything less then perfect must be cast away from His sight.

And yet…

And yet God works with imperfection. It is the material that He gets His beautiful nail torn hands dirty with. The Gospel explodes through the very marrow of the world. For He that knew no sin took it upon Himself in order that we, who are by very nature anti-righteous, might take upon the righteousness of God Himself! Through Jesus we BECOME the very righteousness of God (2 Cor 5:21).

The Great Exchange. Jesus, the ever satisfied, perfect Son of the Father, Holy Spirit saturated, became sin. Took it all. Became isolated, broken, scorned. All in order for us to be able to be worked by the Potter’s hands. By all means we are still from a sinful nature, and we are a sinful race. However, in the eyes of God we are righteous. In he who God started a good work it will be accomplished. This means that we are not responsible for keeping our salvation. This means that no matter what we do, no matter how many times we give in to the old man, Jesus has taken care of everything, The Holy Spirit will help us to see our faults, we will repent and get back up, and the Father will always welcome us into His presence.

I take this fact for granted. Oh my how I don’t realize that the Good News about Jesus is seeping out through every single crack of my existence, of my continued living, of the trials I face far from home, in the victories God has in my life, in the blessings He gives me, in my failings, in my redemption.

Praise be to our God, who is so full of life, who is not old, but the fullness of youth. Who is not naïve, but rather the standard that all wisdom, He is wisdom.  We can call Him Daddy, Abba, Father, Poppa. He is our perfect Dad who takes care of us, blesses us, and disciplines us. Praise be to Jesus, who is the perfect man that all can model their lives after. Who is the perfect big brother who searched and searched for us, who laid down His life for us. Who is seated at the right hand of the Father, full of power and glory, no longer a marginalized Jewish carpenter, but the King of kings and Lord of lords. The train of His robe fills the temple, it overflows, it covers. It is glorious. Praise be to the Holy Sprit who leads us in the path of righteousness, who pleads with the Father with groaning on our behalf. Who teaches us the ways of living the Gospel. Who we are filled with. All praise and honor and glory and power be unto the triune God. Perfect and complete. Overflowing with perfection. The perfect ruler of the universe who is willing to get His hands dirty with the affairs of humanity, in order that we might be saved. Let all the people of God say it is so! For it is so!

"I'm fine"

Simply stated things are going pretty good.

But things are not usually simply stated. Things have a level of detail that few people are willing to delve into. Its understandable. When a person asks you how you are doing and you respond with an ok, people are generally fine. I've got to wonder though. Why do we subject ourselves to this cryptic sort of deception. Why is it that in society we are expected to always be fine, or ok. I'm not saying that people should pour out their souls to anyone who is trying to be polite and pose a nice question of how the person is doing. I just think that it is interesting that for the most part people are not going to say they are doing poorly if they are. Occasionally they will, its just interesting how we tend to fear being less then good, even though it is a state of being that everyone finds themselves in from time to time.

I'm not sure why i got off on this today, cause honestly I haven't been frustrated with this much recently, and I feel like for the most part I have been doing a good job of being honest with the people that care about me. I'm not looking for people to stop beating around the bush so that I may know all. I think that really, ultimately, I tell myself it is fine a lot, even though it isn't true.

Simply stated things really are going pretty good.

I am finishing up this year pretty soon though, and with a lot of joy, and excitement comes a level of unease, and to be honest, fear. Last night I was reading in my Bible in Isaiah 40 and I came to verse 31 where God tells the people of Judah that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings of eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint. That word, renew has a certain relevance to me right now. So often I tell myself that I have everything under control. That I'm not going to worry about leaving my Philippine home. That leaving my family is going to be a good transition free of hardship. That I will be able to say goodbye well and not leave any loose ends. Honestly though, I am not doing a good job of anything right now on my own. It is when I say that I have everything taken care of that I find I loose my strength to be able to be a good worker, son, brother, and friend.

When I simply say that things are going good there is another level to it

God. God is my strength in this time of transition when I feel like I am making a mess of everything. Honestly, I have not been trusting in Him enough in this time that I need Him the most. I have not been praying constantly like I should. I have been going, going, going, and I haven't really stopped and rested and talked to my Daddy. I am starting to get tired and worn out, and honestly there are a lot of things that I still need to do before I go, and it can be overwhelming.

But guess what.

Those who give everything up and put their hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will be able to finish their school work. They will be able to say goodbye. They will be able to love every person in the way they should. They will be able to get things in the future in order.

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not grow faint.