Wet Clay

Good intentions, sure, I certainly have them. It is easy to have the idealistic vision of documenting the changes in my life in Chicago for everyone in the world to read and learn about. But then I am struck with the daunting task of work, and school, and friends, and a relationship, and did I mention sleep, working out, eating right, paying bills... The list could go on. It often fills my mind. There are so many things that I would love to do on top of it all. I would love to be able to actually start my dreams of podcasting and blogging, and being an artistic-journalist-audiophile-poet.

Unfortunately when the day is done, and I have a few free moments to write, record, learn to draw—anything really, it typically is much easier to take a nap, chill out, watch a video on YouTube, or anything that doesn't evolve a  mental commitment. That can be discouraging at times. Why can't I just do everything that I want to do at once? Shouldn't I be able to learn, work, and create all at the same time? There has got to be some sort of magic time management system that could make that possible, right?

Ah, but there is revealed my idol of accomplishment. 

The pull of pride to be the best at everything, and well loved by everyone. How I would love the accolades of my peers of a well recorded demo, a job well done from my boss, and a zero balance on my school bill. The reality is that I am not the one who is supposed to do everything. I am not supposed to be made much of. I am called to be humble so that God would be exalted. 

But the hunger remains. I feel as though I am chomping at the bit to be in a place where I can just combine it all. Where my constant reality is going to be that I get paid to be creative, and to ignite all of my creative passions. I want to constantly be leaning and growing and becoming better at my craft. This hunger is not a bad thing either. 

We all need to dream a little bigger—to strive for the impossible. 

And you know, God might not have me be the things that I want to be. I am certainly growing where I am right now. I have opportunities to work and create right now, and even though it can feel like something else, it really is what I want to do. Perspective shows that I have been given an amazing chance to better myself. The best part is that God is not going to let me think that I was the one doing the shaping. 

Junior year has been a bear. One of the hardest and most frustrating. I have been tested and cried many nights. I have asked God why I'm not living the dream. It has hurt, and it was awful a lot of the time. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Because through it all I haven't lost the dreams and desires that God has placed in my heart. If anything they have gotten more fantastic and impossible. He is going to take me and use me as He desires. Things will be cut away and others will be shaped to perfection, and this man of dust will be molded into the image of the One who created Him.

"I'm fine"

Simply stated things are going pretty good.

But things are not usually simply stated. Things have a level of detail that few people are willing to delve into. Its understandable. When a person asks you how you are doing and you respond with an ok, people are generally fine. I've got to wonder though. Why do we subject ourselves to this cryptic sort of deception. Why is it that in society we are expected to always be fine, or ok. I'm not saying that people should pour out their souls to anyone who is trying to be polite and pose a nice question of how the person is doing. I just think that it is interesting that for the most part people are not going to say they are doing poorly if they are. Occasionally they will, its just interesting how we tend to fear being less then good, even though it is a state of being that everyone finds themselves in from time to time.

I'm not sure why i got off on this today, cause honestly I haven't been frustrated with this much recently, and I feel like for the most part I have been doing a good job of being honest with the people that care about me. I'm not looking for people to stop beating around the bush so that I may know all. I think that really, ultimately, I tell myself it is fine a lot, even though it isn't true.

Simply stated things really are going pretty good.

I am finishing up this year pretty soon though, and with a lot of joy, and excitement comes a level of unease, and to be honest, fear. Last night I was reading in my Bible in Isaiah 40 and I came to verse 31 where God tells the people of Judah that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings of eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint. That word, renew has a certain relevance to me right now. So often I tell myself that I have everything under control. That I'm not going to worry about leaving my Philippine home. That leaving my family is going to be a good transition free of hardship. That I will be able to say goodbye well and not leave any loose ends. Honestly though, I am not doing a good job of anything right now on my own. It is when I say that I have everything taken care of that I find I loose my strength to be able to be a good worker, son, brother, and friend.

When I simply say that things are going good there is another level to it

God. God is my strength in this time of transition when I feel like I am making a mess of everything. Honestly, I have not been trusting in Him enough in this time that I need Him the most. I have not been praying constantly like I should. I have been going, going, going, and I haven't really stopped and rested and talked to my Daddy. I am starting to get tired and worn out, and honestly there are a lot of things that I still need to do before I go, and it can be overwhelming.

But guess what.

Those who give everything up and put their hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will be able to finish their school work. They will be able to say goodbye. They will be able to love every person in the way they should. They will be able to get things in the future in order.

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not grow faint.