"I'm fine"

Simply stated things are going pretty good.

But things are not usually simply stated. Things have a level of detail that few people are willing to delve into. Its understandable. When a person asks you how you are doing and you respond with an ok, people are generally fine. I've got to wonder though. Why do we subject ourselves to this cryptic sort of deception. Why is it that in society we are expected to always be fine, or ok. I'm not saying that people should pour out their souls to anyone who is trying to be polite and pose a nice question of how the person is doing. I just think that it is interesting that for the most part people are not going to say they are doing poorly if they are. Occasionally they will, its just interesting how we tend to fear being less then good, even though it is a state of being that everyone finds themselves in from time to time.

I'm not sure why i got off on this today, cause honestly I haven't been frustrated with this much recently, and I feel like for the most part I have been doing a good job of being honest with the people that care about me. I'm not looking for people to stop beating around the bush so that I may know all. I think that really, ultimately, I tell myself it is fine a lot, even though it isn't true.

Simply stated things really are going pretty good.

I am finishing up this year pretty soon though, and with a lot of joy, and excitement comes a level of unease, and to be honest, fear. Last night I was reading in my Bible in Isaiah 40 and I came to verse 31 where God tells the people of Judah that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings of eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint. That word, renew has a certain relevance to me right now. So often I tell myself that I have everything under control. That I'm not going to worry about leaving my Philippine home. That leaving my family is going to be a good transition free of hardship. That I will be able to say goodbye well and not leave any loose ends. Honestly though, I am not doing a good job of anything right now on my own. It is when I say that I have everything taken care of that I find I loose my strength to be able to be a good worker, son, brother, and friend.

When I simply say that things are going good there is another level to it

God. God is my strength in this time of transition when I feel like I am making a mess of everything. Honestly, I have not been trusting in Him enough in this time that I need Him the most. I have not been praying constantly like I should. I have been going, going, going, and I haven't really stopped and rested and talked to my Daddy. I am starting to get tired and worn out, and honestly there are a lot of things that I still need to do before I go, and it can be overwhelming.

But guess what.

Those who give everything up and put their hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will be able to finish their school work. They will be able to say goodbye. They will be able to love every person in the way they should. They will be able to get things in the future in order.

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not grow faint.

One down...

I was planning on writing yesterday, but I really wasn't able to. Not only was it a really full day, but I just was not fully there to write something cohesive. Yesterday the entire senior class presented their senior presentations. It was really nice to be able to get such a big presentation out of the way, and honestly, I couldn't have done it without God. It just got me thinking how all of us are still moving forward. Time isn't going to magically stop when I want it to, rather it will keep moving forward against my will. It scares me that soon all of us seniors are going to be scattered all around the world, doing different things, seeing different people, learning, growing, changing. I'm not the kind of guy who wants to dwell on the fact that the end is approaching, and get bummed out about it. I know that it is going to be hard when I go. And I know that tears are going to fall down my face when that time comes. The one thing that I can be sure of is the inevitability of the day coming when I shift from one stage of life to the next.

My presentation was something that really mattered to me, and as I was presenting my topic I realized something. My topic was on the Media, and how the church needs to embrace the changing times by utilizing the opportunities that are available today that weren't there before. I want to be a big part of this movement of men and women who are spreading the gospel, one click at a time. A question was raised as to how I was to get myself out there. The internet is amazing, and it really opens up so many chances to be heard. But I am just one voice in a sea of millions. Once again (as I seem to forget this paramount fact most easily), I remembered that i can do nothing apart from God's strength. I must remember to be constantly listening to the Holy Spirit, and His prompting of my life. I must look to Jesus as the ideal man that I must strive to become. And I must look to the Father for all my strength and wisdom and courage. I will not be able to get my name out there alone. I need God to work wonders and use me. Not me using Him to get my name out there. No. Him using me to get His name out to the millions who need His love.

Some thoughts

Generally it is wise for me not to worry so much about the things that are going on around me, especially when it starts getting later at night. The fact of the matter is, that I am starting to get more and more worried about leaving and being in the States. Last time that I was there I had a really hard time leaving, because of the amazing friendships that I had built up. And now, I find myself in a similar situation. Now this time, I may very well never see some of these other people ever again. Its an interesting thing, goodbyes... Im not trying to get all deep and meaningful, it's just that we tend to think of things as being really important and life altering, and really scary while they are happening, and in the end we discover that we got all worked up for nothing. In Matthew 6:25-34 God is pretty clear about what He wants us to do. He wants us to trust Him, and not worry about all the little things that we think that we do that will throw our whole lives into a state of doom and despair.

Honestly, the thing that gets me the most is, as my time is running out here in the Philippines, I am realizing that there are so many things that I want to do, and there is so little time to do it. I want to end well, and I think that I am going to do a pretty good job of it this time, and not leave wounds that will be as hard to heal. Don't get me wrong, it is certainly going to hurt when I go. I know that the people here mean the world to me, and it will be hard to see them go, as I too am sent off.

This has certainly gotten a certain emotional flare to it now, and that was not my intention. I'm simply needing to look to my Father in this time of change. Change. Aside from death and taxes the only thing you can be sure of is uncertainty. I need to remember. I need to remember that God is in control of everything. Even though I feel like things are falling apart, and even though I feel like I need to do something to fix it, I know that He is bigger then I. He is I AM. And I am not.

Cleaning

Today I have the chance to work around the house... mostly in the area of my room. It is certainly not a joyous thing to go through all of my things and look back over the years that I have had in this country. Its not sad though. I am finding so many smiles in the little pieces of paper with tiny memories of times past. Of connections lost, and of friendships gained. Its really easy to get nostalgic going through all of these things. But. I prefer to not think of everything through the eyes of me looking back to the times past, but rather forward to the experiences that will be gained, the friends I will make, the ones I will never loose. All of these things hold little memories of times I laughed and cried. In some ways I feel like I am choosing if I want to keep or get rid of parts of me. But the object is not the memory. The object does not hold my thoughts. 

What is this for?

Why am I writing this? It appears at the time that this could just be for myself. I guess with life being in constant flux it will be nice to have a place where i can simply write about all of the new experences that I will have as I move away from my tropical paradise to a windy city. This is for anyone to read. Be you family friends or curious strangers, this is me. Or a part of me. A man striving to become one. A child of a Father greater then anything I can put into words.